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		A ragged tramp stopped a Mason on his way home from the lodge and asked him for money for food. "I'll do better than that!" said the Mason. "Come into the pub, and I'll buy you a drink!" "Thank you!" said the beggar. "But I've never drunk and I never will!" " Well, let me buy you some cigarettes then!" said the Mason. "No, thanks!" said the tramp, "I've never smoked and I never will!" "Okay", said the Mason. "Come back to the Lodge with me and I'll see you get a meal!" " No, thanks", said the man. "I've never entered a Masonic lodge and I never will!" "Right, then", said the Mason "Will you please come home with me and meet my wife!" "Why?" asked the tramp. "Well", said the Mason. "I just want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke and hasn't joined the Masons!" ___________________________________ There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night? Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme! ___________________________________ Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a light bulb? A: It's a secret! ___________________________________ A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this: She: Well how did it go? He: Very well - most interesting She: What happened? He: I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it. She: Ok, well is there anything you can tell me? He: Well, it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge - walkers, talkers and Holy men. She: What do they do - if you can tell me? He: The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around.... She: And the Holy men? What of them? He: They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly, "Oh My God Oh My God!" _____________________________________ The Mason answered the 'phone. "Yes, Worshipful Master!" he said. "Certainly, Worshipful Master! I'll do that, Worshipful Master. Thank you, Worshipful Master!" "Goodness!" said his wife when he put the phone down. "You're not so quick to do things for me. I wish I was your Worshipful Master". "So do I" sighed the Mason. "We get to change him every year!" _____________________________________ There was once a very senior and respected mason who lived in the northernmost part of the north of England, and was the Treasurer of a splendid Lodge in NW London. The brethren held their Ladies Festival in early summer, and on this particular year the temperature in southern England soared to 38 degrees centigrade (about 99 Fahrenheit). The Worshipful Brother decided to precede his wife and spend a day working in the capital before she came down to join him for the event. So he took the Great North Eastern Railway down to London and found his way to his hotel. After he had settled into his room, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he got one letter wrong and his note was directed instead to the elderly wife of a Bishop, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a terrible scream, clutched her chest and fell dead upon the floor. At the sound, her family rushed into the room, found her lying there, and someone noticed this message on the screen: Dearest Wife, Have just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. From your loving husband. PS: It is very hot down here! _____________________________ A young, unmarried lady returned to her Doctor to get the results of some extensive tests at the hospital. "I'm sorry to have to tell you," said the Doctor, "but you only have 6 months to live" "Oh my God," said the lady. "What can I do?" The Doctor said, "You could marry a Freemason." "How will that help?" said the lady. "You'll still only live 6 months," said the Doctor, "but it will seem longer!" In Memory of Tommy Cooper..... I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.' ----------------------- This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. ------------------------ I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.' ----------------------- I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.' ---------------------------- I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End' --------------------------- I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.' ------------------------------ I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?' -------------------------- My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel. ------------------------ I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.' --------------------------- I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R. ---------------------------- I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down. ---------------------------- I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. --------------------------- The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.' -------------------------- I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.' ---------------------- This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..' -------------------------- I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.' ---------------------------- I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!' -------------------------------- This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!' -------------------------- I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest' ------------------------------ I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road' ---------------------- I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there... ------------------------- I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. ------------------------ I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. --------------------------- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.' -------------------------------- I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow' -------------------------------- A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.' ________________________________ Just a little inspiration... Dance Like No One is Watching.... We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse or partner gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice holiday, or when we retire. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. Life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. There will always be some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. These obstacles are your life. This perspective helps us to see that there is no 'way' to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. Treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with......and remember that time waits for no one... So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire,until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until autumn, until winter, until you are off the dole, until the first or fifteenth, Until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is the journey, not the destination. Work like you don't need the money, Sing like no one is listening, Dance like no one is watching, Love like you've never been hurt, Live...... Anon Sarah White March 2010